Sister-In-Law Shopping
Aug 8th, 2011
by Alexis Novak
My brother has been actively dating for years and I’m exhausted. When is my wonderful new sister-in-law going to surface already?
I’ve taken steps to help the cause. In a few entertaining and compelling essays I’ve tried to convince “The Bachelor” producers why my brother should star on their show. Besides being hilarious, smart, driven and handsome, he is sweet-as-all-get-out and I’m not saying this because he’s my blood. Ask all of my friends whose voices go up three octaves when he walks in the room; my brother is the real deal. Unfortunately his dating record could best be described as more tragic than comic and I believe his female problems could relate to a “broken picker” as Patty Stanger would diagnose on “The Millionaire Matchmaker”. I am not a therapist or a matchmaker, so that’s all my husband and I can figure out. And trust me, we’ve spent many late nights analyzing.
So I asked my beloved brother why he isn’t finding his wife/my new BFF. After his thorough research, he says that the problem is that women have become the players in the game of Natural Selection and they’ve adapted some formerly-masculine strategies. The women he meets, his dating equals and “total package” types, are obsessed with keeping their options open and marketing themselves to the best catch. When an issue pops up, they quickly cut the line. If better, bigger fish are biting soon, no one’s motivated to actually work at a relationship that has a glimmer of potential.
And he said that social media creates the sense that new sexy fish are just a friend away.
In being so picky, daters miss the big picture. There is a whole generation of singles that would rather “die than settle” and that is hilarious to me. Call me cynical, but one person isn’t supposed to fulfill all your everythings. In fact, when you take responsibility for your own happiness it is much easier to be not so needy and psychotic in relationships.
Whatever the case may be, we are growing weary of his missed matches. I get excited when I meet a new lady friend, imagining our Starbucks dates and all my passed-down unsolicited mothering advice and then poof! She is gone by the following week. But we don’t pressure my brother because we know firsthand how hellish a poor match can be. Hell was my former sister-in-law that refused to discuss anything but her three conversation topics- kittens, Jessica Simpson and sex toys. You can imagine Thanksgiving.
This time around I am much more verbal about my sis-in-law needs: My daughters need a fun Auntie that will babysit so mommy can go to Happy Hour with her girlfriends. I need a friend to share the endless holiday cooking and hosting with. Someone that will whisper and laugh with me in the kitchen when the guys are watching football. And most importantly, she must have good birthing hips because we need some baby cousins STAT. I’m sick of doing all the breeding around here.
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Written by Alexis Novak • 1 Comment
Millski Sat, Oct 22, 10:54am