Open letter to Grandparents
Nov 23rd, 2010
By Alexis Novak
Dear Beloved and Much-Appreciated Grandparents,
We know you are already scouring the pre-Christmas sales looking for the perfect gifts for your angelic grandchildren to excite them on the big day. Here are a few small reminders of gifts to kindly pass by.
- Noise-Makers- If the toy goes “WHOMP WHOMP WHOMP chang ching chang ching LOOOOOP LOOOOOOOOOOP LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPPP” like a car alarm in the middle of the night or a Vegas slot machine, keep walking. Even if it is Princess-themed or Sponge Bob or my child’s other favorite. We already own enough of these migraine makers to last the next decade.
- Messy Ass Anything- Toys with paint, water squirters, science kits that house ants and worms, slimy and sticky parts that attract dirt and general dusty funkiness. Must I explain further?
- Over-sized items- As you have witnessed and joked about there was a hostile toy takeover in my rapidly shrinking house so if the toy measures larger than 12 inches by 12 inches, keep it at your house for when we visit. Your house is 200 percent larger than mine and is inhabited by ½ the people mine is. I suck at math but I think this means some of your closets still have usable space.
- Parts Galore- We loved the puzzle with 1000 pieces from last year, especially since so many went missing which we discovered the one time we tried to complete it. If there are more than 10 small parts gift it to the long-distance cousins.
- Musical Instruments (please refer back to number 1)
- Stuffed Anything- No one can scientifically prove to me that stuffed animals don’t reproduce when we aren’t looking. Yes, your granddaughters love on and hug them for a few weeks, then their fur gets nasty, I toss them in the spin cycle, their guts come out, and I throw them in the trash. This happens weekly. Yes, this is what happened to that sweet green dog you gave Punky for her birthday. Really, anything, ANYTHING, would be a better gift than a stuffed animal.
- Toys that require intense assembly (and therefore have crap instructions)- This may be my number one gift giving pet peeve- a gift that requires 20 hours plus of assembly! It morphs from gift to hassle very quickly. A few times I have had to wing it with the assembly which always leaves me puzzled about what I did wrong (damn that lop-sided Exersaucer that taunts me!). I’ve also given up and gotten rid of things that I never found the time to devote to putting together. I have no time. If you don’t want to assemble it, neither do I.
All that aside, you really are great gift givers. Merry Christmas! Feliz Navidad! And remember that I am the easy one to shop for- just buy me jewelry.
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