by Alexis Novak

Like me, you probably have two to call your own. Or two to call your husband’s when they are little beasties. Two kids was the American status quo, but lately I see different patterns emerging. I am not a sociologist, but it appears to me that Gen-Xers and Millenials are having families of one and three children at higher rates than the reliable two.

Here is my humble stab at each family-size choice shaped by no real research whatsoever but tons of anecdotal evidence sprinkled with a little Us Weekly:

One bundle of joy- If you read the article in Time magazine this summer, it debunked many “lonely only” myths. The one-child household is a booming trend which can easily be linked to, (and please may we never speak this aggravating phrase again), “these economic times”.  According to the article, families feel like they can give one child a better, fuller life and that two would be spreading resources too thin. But thinking that onesies are just about saving money is short-sighted. Only families want to travel and maintain a certain lifestyle too. Probably their strongest argument is that one child can be the sole vessel for their time and energy and love.  Makes logical sense, right? The concept is sound and the higher test scores from only children back up this newly popular choice.

However, the issue comes later in life. I am married to an only who is bummed about his lack of sibs even today. He jokes he would have settled for even a crappy sibling and no traveling over zero. Also, the pressure to care for older parents falls on his solo shoulders. I remember my former roommate, also a singlet, telling me that when she went home on the weekend from college, she was “the family coming home”.  Can you be honest when the pressure is so high?  An only is the only product of the parenting and therefore performs to make their parents feel like they did a decent job.

Two children- The white picket fence standard. There is something comforting about being able to divide and conquer the kids with your partner. When I first brought Peachy home, I thought people dramatized the workload of two. Then I hit month 3 when she slept less and demanded more and agreed- it is more than double the work when they are this small. But the blessings are plenty. With two, you give your children a friend across the hall to fight with every day. My mom always told my brother and me that we would be best friends when we grew up.  We scoffed at her since she usually said this when we were assaulting each other and screaming repeatedly, “I hate you!” in high-pitched teenaged voices.  Decades after all the bloodshed, of course my mom was right. My day isn’t complete until I have heard from my brother.

Now I watch 8 month old Peachy glow when her sister walks into a room, her gaze not letting go. Before Peachy has even acquired language she communicates she is obsessed with her big sister. She plants sloppy baby kisses on her then laughs. And big sis Punky races to Peachy’s side when she is crying to appease her with a toy.  She calls her sister “my baby”. I love it.

The other gift of two has been a shift in my parenting viewpoint. Now I can differentiate between what was the child’s issue and what was my parenting issue. I actually feel calmer with two because of this paradigm shift.  I’m more confident Round 2.  Ding, ding, ding! But…

Three is the magic number- Three’s the new two, you know. Christmas cards on the wall at my very popular pediatrician’s office do not lie- many families in my area have three shiny happy children. Is it a status symbol to afford a large family in “these economic times”? (Sorry).  Is it a badass way of saying, “Well, any family can have two but we can handle THREE!”?  In an IVF world, is fertility itself a status symbol?

I poled a few three-kiddo moms I know. G, mom of a 9, 6 and 4 year old said that that after life-threatening pregnancy complications her second pregnancy she never thought she would have another. She and her husband were thrilled then to have a happy and healthy third, which was the family size they had dreamt of. The threesie moms also said that once the kids get to a certain age they tend to entertain each other, giving mom a rest. Three of the moms with three’s say they could go for a fourth but probably won’t.

My husband and I would love three-ish, and have joked about three-to-four since we were first dating 12 years ago. We envisioned a loud house full of funny people we were related to, all of them gesticulating wildly to make a point. But now that I have two real children (opposed to the Platonic sweet peas I imagined) I am starting to rethink the “plan”. Truly, I am torn between 2 and 3. If I could somehow work out the 2.5 kid thing, it would be a perfect fit.

Four boogers- I only know one brave family, J and L, that are tough enough to do parenting this hard core.  And, I must add that their kids are kind people and awesomely behaved and sit still through Sunday mass. This size isn’t for the faint of heart. L said the large family wasn’t a plan and that though it is expensive and exhausting they would have it no other way. They happily embrace the chaos.

If you have more than four, write in and tell me how you decided on that size and which anti-depressant is your fave.

There is also a dark side of family planning. Women with insatiable baby lust are called Bumpaholics.  Addicted to the attention and excitement that pregnancy and babies brings them they don’t know when to say birth control. Psychologists claim they are trying to right the wrongs of their own childhoods. Think Angelina Jolie, Octomom Nadya Suleman and the “19-Kids-and-Counting” Duggars.  Goose bumps cover my body when I think of Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar and that poor woman’s tired, old uterus. The uterus is not an organ intended to be exercised as vigorously as she works her out.  Every. Single. Year.

How did you decide to make your family small, medium or super-sized?

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