My Disney Hangover
Dec 14th, 2010
by Alexis Novak
Hi. My name’s Alexis, I’m a Florida native, and I don’t Disney very well. Please don’t tell a soul. As I write this I fear a gangsta Mickey Mouse will appear on my door step and break my knees. It feels so sacrilegious to confess my anti-Disney thoughts. Think Walt can hear them up in Disney Heaven?
I don’t like Disney and Disney definitely doesn’t like me. There, I said it. I don’t speak their language. I don’t feel the magic. It isn’t the happiest place on earth. All the hoards of people. All the manufactured joy. The sheer desperation to make sure your kids eek the most fun out of the pricey experience. I sense it all and it just makes me anxious. I’m not even going to blame the pre-pubescent New Jersey cheerleadering squad on “It’s a Small World” who joked that my baby looks like she has Downs Syndrome. Or the lady that shoved my toddler aside so her older child could get on the Dumbo flying ride first. (And that was just our first few hours). There is something about Disney madness that brings out the worst in people. I would prefer not to witness the greedy ugliness or ugly greediness so close up. The anxiety to have fun is palpable since most families have saved up all year to ensure a good Disney time. And a good Disney time is an expensive one.
I tried to dig Disney our first family trip. I wanted to like it and experience it through my toddler. She did experience moments of big fun that she is still talking about. She also threw epic temper tantrums brought on by over-stimulation and exhaustion that continued after we returned home. My daughter said her favorite parts were riding the “school buses” and “sleeping in the bed”. That reminded me of when your child likes the box the toy came in more than the toy.
In fairness to Disney, we arrived about three years too early. Everything scared my 2 and ½ year old and my 9 month old was pissed her nap schedule went haywire so she cried the better part of two days. I left every show about five minutes in when Punky started screaming “Too SCARY! Let’s goooooooooooo!” at the top of her lungs. Even at Disney people stared.
Maybe I am overthinking it. I have been accused of this my entire life. When my daughter asked me “Where is Wonderland?” after meeting Alice at breakfast and “Is there a big world?” after riding small world then I knew that this “thinking too hard” thing was genetic. My kids are doomed. They will also have trouble swallowing the over-branded and canned joy that the Disney machine shoves down our throats as cheery music surges through the loud speakers.
But that doesn’t mean I’ve given up on Disney entirely. It is a necessary parenting evil that isn’t going anywhere. I am going to learn how to Disney well if it kills me. On the ride home, my husband and I have made Disney guidelines for our possible future trips. Never again until every child is potty trained. Not until all kids have graduated to one nap or are nap-free. Next time bring a grandparent or babysitter so we can go out at night at least once. And next time our meal plan will include alcohol. That’s all we could come up with. I am going to try to stop thinking now.
How well do you Disney? And what do I need to know to get this Disney thing right next time?
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