Watching Soaps and Eating Bon Bons
Sep 28th, 2010
I had one of those Mom of the Year moments this week, when both kids were screaming bloody murder, one in timeout and the other pissed that her sister was hitting those decibels, that I had to lock myself in my bathroom, in an attempt to tune out the madness for three minutes. It was between that or stabbing out my eyes. This stay-at-home-mom gig is exponentially more challenging than I ever imagined. Silly me, with my fiery Irish and Sicilian heritage, thought this would be easier. I once attended graduate school full-time and taught high school full time for 26 arduous months. That stress nearly broke me. Still, this is harder.
This is why I am wholly irked by an undercurrent I have been sensing recently. There is a stay-at-home-mom backlash brewing. You would think that this antiquated debate of working moms vs. stay-at-homes went the way of the shoulder pads in the 90’s. But no. It just morphed into something less obvious and more passive-aggressive.
Some fresh examples:
In one episode of my favorite show “Parenthood” last season, lawyer-working-mom Julia yells about her arch nemesis stay-at-home-mom at a school awards ceremony, “And she doesn’t even WORK!” (her tone equivalent to “And she sacrifices baby goats!!!). The crowd gasps that she revealed such a prejudice.
My cousin Cavan who is more like my sister was recently with Junior League moms and experienced “Stay-at-Home-Mom-Stigma”. The women were all congratulating a mom with a six week old who had just gone back to work. “Good for you for going back so soon. Yeah, we are all working moms here…except Cavan”. Then they all glared at her like she was a freak. Really!? Cavan held her head in shame and then bawled her eyes out right into her coffee. Not really. She was shocked that she was being ostracized for her choice. Could a group of SAHM’s ever shame the single working mom in the group and say, “How does it feel to have the daycare raising your child?” No, that would not be kosher. Somehow the same rules do not apply the other way. I find it is socially expected that the stay-at-homes gingerly tiptoe around the working moms’ guilt, apologizing for themselves. Or sit there silently as my cousin had to do.
Then at a birthday party recently, a working mom said to me abruptly, “Some people actually like their jobs!” I was taken aback by her defensiveness as if she was preparing to be judged by me when the truth was I could have cared less. My smart-ass self wanted to say, “Yes, and some people actually like to be with their children!” Again, this wouldn’t have gone over too well. I am defensive too when I hear these types of comments because a., they insult my intelligence, b., I am far from the pampered princess type and c., I will also be a working mom as soon as my kids hit kindergarten. I plan to have it all, just not at the same exact time.
Our own mothers had to work full-time and care for the kids afterwards to prove they could do it all in the era of “Working Girl”, the glass ceiling and the masculine business suits. That was their contribution to the women’s movement and they sacrificed for our generation to have choices. I am thankful to them and my own entrepreneurial mother who worked her butt off my entire life. I am also appreciative that unlike generations before me, I have choices. Why then do we criticize moms who make a different choice than we do? Majority of my friends are working moms and I don’t judge them as if my lifestyle is better. There are pros and cons to each. My working mom friends are doing their best by their family. And my choice to be home was best for mine. No apologizes.
I know what you are thinking. This is a hot button topic and one with heavy socioeconomic implications, especially in this economic climate. That SAHM’s are of a privileged class. However, the statistics tell an opposing story- since 2000, more women from all socioeconomic levels are choosing to stay home to raise their tots full-time. In a 2005 study, the U.S. Census Bureau reported an estimated 5.6 million stay-at-home moms. This is a 22% increase from the mid-nineties. To me, this could be a by-product of Corporate America’s inflexibility to offer flex time and job sharing to keep their new moms in the office post-baby. There is also the rising cost of daycare to contend with vs. one’s take home pay. As a teacher, I would have brought home very little take home after paying childcare and we weren’t lucky enough to have free family care like many of my working friends.
Please hold the bon bon and soap opera jokes. I am not on vacation. All moms are working moms, some are just compensated better. Even so, I would like to envision moms as being all on the same team; a united front. I do not want to be the chick that introduces herself at cocktail parties this way, “Hi, I’m Alexis. I’m a stay-at-home mom. But I have a Master’s degree and I graduated Summa Cum Smarter Thank You, thank you very much”. This sounds a tad insecure, right?
Related Posts
Written by Alexis Novak • Leave a comment
