The Modern Mom Dictionary
Jun 21st, 2011
by Alexis Novak
“All Hands on Deck”- a frazzled state when all kids are crying, you just realized you are fresh out of formula and everyone must lend a hand. This is not the time for Sports Center.
Bangs- cheaper than Botox.
Barf on your shoes- in my former life, barf on my shoes was discovered Sunday afternoon upon waking and always accompanied an excellent night-before mystery. Now it is just spit-up. Mystery solved.
Birth plan- shut up already with your soy candles and Mozart. My birth plan was called, “get the baby out alive and make sure I am okay too”. Expectations higher than that and you might leave the hospital heartbroken.
Coffee-Maker- 1. Your sweet husband who knows you’ve been up since 5 a.m. with the teething baby. When he makes your coffee it just tastes better. 2. The only way a mom can make it to nap time. 3. The barista at the Starbucks drive-thru. 4. Your beloved Keurig.
Convonesia- when you try to have a conversation with your husband at 9 p.m. while “True Blood” is on and you are both about to pass out on the couch, you are having a convonesia. One person says something, then an immeasurable amount of time elapses, then someone says, “What were we talking about again?” and no one can remember.
Church- a place where your toddler will pull up and down your dress until all body parts have been exposed to fellow parishioners. When it is time to turn around and shake “peace be with you” you have to leave immediately so the family of six behind you will never be able to place your postpartum ass to your face.
“Cry It Out”- this happens when you are trying to take a much needed nap and your spouse has the screaming baby in the other room because he wants to help you “relax”. How long you can handle this situation and actually try to get some shut-eye is a test of your will.
Entertainment Tonight, Us Weekly, E! and Bravo- where you get all the news that your exhausted mind can handle. How many times Lindsay’s gone to rehab, is Beyonce finally pregnant?, and the Kardashian family become very important characters in your life.
“I have nothing to wear…really”- like the boy who cried wolf, you abused this excuse pre-bambinos to go shopping often but today your old career clothes, your maternity clothes, your going-out clothes and your transition clothes do not actually work anymore. Underpinnings included. You have been any number of different sizes for a few years and have no clue what you are today. This could cause a former fashionista to have an identity-crisis though it might also be an opportunity to nuke the whole closet and start over.
Family vacation- after packing for 2 days, you and your spouse will get less time together than usual since one parent will sleep with one child and one the other. Your kids, however, will have a blast. My toddler is still saying her favorite part of her summer vacation was “my baycation bed- sleeping with Mommy!” Translation- mommy didn’t sleep a wink. It is advised that you bring one bottle of wine per day to save your sanity. When home, be prepared to do laundry for a week and a half even though you were gone 2 days. Then immediately start planning your next vacation-child-free.
My Publix Bestie- another mom you randomly run into at parks, stores and free kiddie events. You know her stance on sleep training, organic baby food and spanking but you don’t know her name. You probably know her children’s names. This happened to me last week in the dairy aisle of the grocery store with the mom of 6-week-old William. I totally love that chick but I have no clue who she is.
Natural child birth- what your first pregnancy goal is for labor. When you find yourself in hour ten of labor and still only 3 centimeters your conviction changes dramatically.
New Mom Bubble- what you are living in the first months of new motherhood when you feel like everyone must be speaking to you underwater. If someone asks you a question you will surely have no idea what they are saying or why they are bothering you and it might piss you right off. I remember writing my own name instead of my daughter’s for the first six months that I checked her into the pediatrician.
Play date from hell- once a mom came to my house three hours late, let her kid almost break a drawer knob off an antique, told me my house was dirty, swept my floor, then insulted my child somewhere in there too. I wish I was making this up! I couldn’t get her out of my house fast enough. Rule of thumb- ask yourself if you would have been friends pre-motherhood. If not, no play dates.
Phantom lice- the mere mention of a friend of a friend’s kids getting lice causes you to go into a psycho cleaning frenzy and itch your scalp for days. You might even check the kids a few times even though your kids haven’t played with those kids. Ever.
SAHM verbal diarrhea- this is a grave and embarrassing affliction that can affect a stay-at-home mom or dad (also includes those who work from home) into speaking quickly and non-stop when they come across another grown-up. It is a very dangerous disorder because you don’t sense it until you have gone too far and the other person is nodding and walking slowly away from you.
Saturday afternoon nap time- the first chance you and your husband have all week to get “reacquainted”.
Shower- 1. pulling your greasy hair into a ponytail. 2. The ten minutes between one child going down for their nap and the other one waking up from theirs when you try to bathe.
Suicide Hour- coined by Andrea, this is from 5-6, 6-7 or worst-case-scenario from 5 until bedtime when low blood sugar makes way for insanity at the same time you attempt to bathe/feed/clean .
Ten-minute meals- how fast dinner needs to be every single night; even faster than Rachel Ray and that Semi-Homemade lady. I call this “assembly cooking”. Pre-cooked, pre-chopped everything just shoved together and voila! A healthy dinner of chicken-rice-something with a side salad is served.
Xanax- you had me at hello.
Originally posted August 25, 2010. It was so good I had to post it again!
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