It turns out I am about as good at returning library books as I was at returning movies to Blockbuster. Last week I spent a solid hour and a half looking for 3 seriously past due books. After two very curt phone calls and an astronomical bill from those ‘sweet’ librarians I had no choice but to find the lost books. They were after me. I ended up only finding 2 of the 3 and had to pay $36 for a tiny book about polar bears and of course, all of the late charges. I am obviously not to be trusted at the library anymore. So, I have been buying used kids’ books online instead. That is where I stumbled across this adult-themed gem. I have not laughed this hard in a long time. It wasn’t quite so funny when my mom picked it up to read to the kids but she caught on after a couple pages. Here are a few excerpts from Go the F*ck To Sleep…

The cats nestle close to their kittens,

The lambs have lain down with their sheep.

You’re cozy and warm in your bed, my dear.

Please go the f*ck to sleep.

The eagles who soar through the sky are at rest

And the creatures who crawl, run, and creep.

I know you’re not thirsty. That’s bullshit. Stop lying.

Lie the f*ck down, my darling, and sleep.

All the kids from day care are in dreamland.

The froggie has made his last leap.

Hell no, you can’t go to the bathroom.

You know where you can go?

The f*ck to sleep.

Who doesn’t relate to this?

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Written by Lea Barlow • 2 Comments