Tiger Moms, Blossom Moms
Jan 26th, 2011
by Alexis Novak
If you want to know the secret to Asian students’ academic success and the downfall of Western parenting then pick up Amy Chua’s book “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother” wherein her answer for raising smart kids is to mercilessly ride their asses until they fear you enough to score straight A’s. Or consider the actress formerly known as Blossom, Mayim Bialik, new Today Show Attachment Parenting Mommy blogger who requires extended breastfeeding, co-sleeping, home schooling and natural birthing if you truly love your children.
I wish there was a perfect mathematical equation to decent parenting that I could adopt, but I am highly suspicious of those who think they have the answer as Chua and Blossom claim.
First, Chua, a highly-educated law professor and mother of two is smug and relentlessly proud of her parenting model which she calls “Chinese parenting”. Its sole goals are achievement, obedience and excellence through academics and music only. Her daughters were never allowed extracurriculars like sports, sleepovers, and socializing in general. Ever. They aren’t allowed to make their own choices or assert their independence. Does her formula work academically? Yes. Her daughters are classically trained musicians, having been accepted into Pre-College Julliard programs, performing at Carnegie Hall and considered child prodigies. If achievement is your idea of successful parenting then Chua is the expert and you should follow her advice accordingly. Some things you will need to do to create children like hers: enforce daily mandatory 90 minute piano practice on kids under the age of 6, even after coming home from regular piano lessons. While traveling abroad, force the kids to practice hours a day even if it means missing the Coliseum (isn’t this missing the point of traveling in the first place?). Emphasize competition and being the absolute best in each class. Is this stressing you out yet?
Chua criticizes Western parents for being indulgent, overly concerned about children’s self-esteem and allowing children to give up on themselves. She preaches comparing siblings and pushing them to their breaking point because she always knows best. An A- is a failure and should be punished accordingly.
I had to laugh out loud at her birthday dinner chapter when her children make crappy homemade birthday cards for her that she demands they remake because they aren’t crafted to the girls’ full potential. She might have raised musically gifted perfectionists but there seems zero room for joy, spontaneity, or growth from screw-ups. She admits about herself, “The truth is I’m not good at enjoying life. It’s not one of my strengths. I keep a lot of to-do lists and hate massages and Caribbean vacations. Florence (her mother-in-law) saw childhood as something fleeting to be enjoyed. I saw childhood as a training period, a time to build character and invest in the future” (Chua 97). I am sure this zero-down time approach has produced two daughters with serious anxiety. In fact, her second daughter rebelled so harshly against her at 13 that she was forced to take it down a notch.
I also couldn’t help but notice that though she clashes with her Mother-in-law’s parenting paradigm and criticizes this sophisticated, liberal, open-minded Jewish woman, her husband was equally as accomplished and maybe more so than Chua. Husband Jed is also a law professor at an Ivy League school who briefly studied drama at Julliard. And yet, when Jed’s mother asks Amy for one full day with each granddaughter to have unscheduled summer fun, Amy cannot say yes, thinking that one day off (from Chinese parenting) will hurt their music. High expectations are essential but think her methods of never letting up and criticizing every aspect of her kids until the bitter (she claims successful) end is hardly the Holy Grail of parenting. I also find her husband to be neither partner nor sidekick, more of an eerily silent afterthought. He has no voice or vote in her dictatorship wherein Amy’s obsession with her children’s perfection possesses her every waking moment. I wondered about her own identity when the children leave home and she has no one to bark at and train anymore. I guess that’s why she keeps adopting dogs. She sees her children’s academic achievements as a direct result of her emotionally suffocating discipline. They aren’t their own people, just clay to mold, who will never be able to make decisions for themselves.
Then, on the opposite side of the continuum, we have Attachment Parenting founded by Dr. William Sears. Attachment Parenting has become a cultural phenomenon and its new poster child is Mayim Bialik. The former actress who played spunky Blossom and now has a Ph. D. parents using no time-outs and refuses to teach her kids manners like please and thank you. Her book, “Intuitive Parenting”, isn’t out yet but I think I will pass
on reading it. Attachment Parenting works under the premise that babies are social creatures and need to be close to their parents through baby-wearing, breastfeeding, co-sleeping, home-schooling, gentle discipline and “elimination communication”. How many women can breastfeed their children on demand, co-sleep with them at night and wear them all day? Answer: moms who are out to win the gold medal in Motherhood Olympics so they can make the rest of us feel like shit. Isn’t it healthy for both mother and child to detach sometimes? I have trouble imagining how common sense moms could keep up these strict principles and what a failure they would feel like it they couldn’t. I know because I failed at Attachment Parenting when I was unable to breastfeed and it made me feel awful. Attachment Parenting’s answer was always to try harder.
My main issue with both Tiger Moms and Blossom Moms is that their theories prey upon mommy guilt, campaigning that the more (discipline or attachment) you give your children, the better they will turn out, at the expense of your own needs. Like sacrificing a healthy relationship with your spouse. Or sacrificing your sleep. Or having your body to yourself for a minute. I am over moms being told to give up more to make our children more. In both of these models there is no such thing as healthy boundaries. It’s crap. Modern moms need to focus more on themselves to achieve balance. Martyr Mothers are so out.
I am still searching for a common sense parenting book, one that doesn’t tell me I am not trying hard enough, so tell me if you find one. If not, I may have to begin writing my own.
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Written by Alexis Novak • 4 Comments
Stacie Hummel Wed, Jan 26, 3:09pm