by Alexis Novak

As I engaged in potty-training combat with my toddler over the last year, I began envisioning her walking into her middle school classroom wearing giant Princess Pull-Ups.  I started and stopped the training a dozen times when potty-resistant Punky didn’t seem ready.  It’s been a long year.  But last week Punky turned 3 and her August preschool deadline crept uncomfortably closer, especially since I signed school paperwork that claims my child will be “potty proficient” by then. Tick Tock, tick tock.

First I turned to my family. Family folklore has it that my dad potty-trained my brother and me in our kitchen in two days when we were both under three.  He has no recollection of how he did this; I’ve asked many times.  My mom, who said she was too impatient to train us herself, has no memory of how my dad did it either.  My husband and his then-Assistant-Principal mom had Spring Break Potty Showdown ‘81 that ended in suppositories and a serious battle of wills that we still joke about today.  And my step-mom said my sister completely trained herself, just deciding to ditch diapers one day.

Needing a little more to go on, I asked my girlfriends for advice.

A had success with the 3-day naked method.  L said not to sweat it, that I had lots of time.  C said it was a process that can take months.  And years ago, T described potty training as “the first real crisis” of parenting.  She is an actress so I thought she was being melodramatic. Not so much.

Before I fully committed, I tried to skim books to make sure I was going about PT the right way but then quickly decided I couldn’t stomach another “How to _______ for Dummies” read. Parenting books can be insulting to your intelligence, sanctimonious, preachy.  The last thing an anxious parent needs is to be called a dumb-ass. I like to figure things out on my own anyway, so I dove in with the No-Real-Plan Plan.

Now in PT week two, I think we’re hitting our stride. Here is the wisdom I have gleaned in the hopes it could help you:

1. My toddler is a Taurus. This means she is a stubborn little bull and everything must be her idea. If I want her to think it’s her idea I have to gently massage my idea into her brain without her catching on. (Much like a husband).  But sometimes I get frustrated and have to wrestle her to the potty, while she attempts to break free and throw a hissy fit. Then she pees down her leg which I believe in the animal kingdom translates to, “You can’t control me biyatch”.  So I have to be subtle. And use bribes…

2.  M&M’s work. A little bit.  I am generally against “food as reward” systems but chocolate can rule a toddler.  I might be trading cavities for diapers but after three years’ worth of zillions of diapers, I am OK with this tradeoff.

3. Some toddlers are terrified by the flushing mechanism and believe they will be sucked down into the watery vortex of the toilet. At least mine does.  She will only work with her plastic one, the portable and pink Princess Potty. It comes everywhere with us.  I take comfort in thinking that Cleopatra probably also traveled with her own private toilet contraption.

4.  Whilst in the throes of p-training, you cannot actually leave your house. The days I braved outings were the days Punky had accidents.  So I do brief stints everywhere and make her try before we leave.

5. The extra laundry is a bitch.

6.  Daycare kids have a leg up. Sometimes I think I should have enrolled Punky in school earlier.  Then she would have witnessed kids her age going to the bathroom and the peer pressure might have worked to my advantage.  Some daycares actually potty train children. If your child gets potty-trained at their daycare don’t brag about it to me or I will stab you in the boob.

7.  Whatever the major change, Day 5 will be hell. Day 5 is the day your child knows it is no longer a game and they want out. Day 5 Punky was on the floor screaming for a Pull-Up and by 7 p.m., I almost cracked.

8.  Sibling rivalry is a blessing. Everyone joked with me that I should train both girls at once.  First I thought this was insane but as our family is now potty-obsessed, this was not lost on my 15-month-old. Peachy has successfully used the potty and is extremely interested in all things Big Sister.  It could work but I am not letting myself get too excited just yet…

9.  My pediatrician told me that there are two types of potty-trainers. Ones who just “get it” all of the sudden and ones that put up a fight.  I am praying for my own sanity that this theory is correct and that I have one of each.

10.  Stick-to-itiveness. Consistency gets the job done and leaves you an exhausted shell of your former self.  Since the end of the world didn’t come and relieve me of my potty trainee duties this week, I have no choice but to charge forward, dealing with one pee pee dance at a time.

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Written by Alexis Novak • 1 Comment